Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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