sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
