the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
