John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize