Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
