he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
