i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
