I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
