im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
