Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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