I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I could make wine with my vomit
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
