barbara walters just said penis...
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
