the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
