Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
i think my cat just said my name.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
