my phone needs a breathalizer
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
