you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
