I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
there is glitter all over my balls
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