How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
