Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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