Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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