i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
