i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Randomize
