Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
