nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
