I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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