Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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