This is not my ceiling
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
