woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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