Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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