for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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