Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just gargled with NyQuil
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