You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
