My liver just broke up with me...
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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