Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
