He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
