Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
