Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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