when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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