just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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