i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
