My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Randomize