I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'm passing your future prison.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
