Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
there is glitter all over my balls
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize