It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize