Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
