tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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