jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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