Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize