it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize