Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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