I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
