I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
