And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
