i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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