I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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