we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
