God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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