i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
