Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize